Pumpkins

  • Why do farmers take pumpkin picking so seriously?  Because it’s a weighty activity.

  • The best thing about pumpkin shaped candy is that it doesn’t taste anything like pumpkin.

  • When you buy pumpkins, it’s similar to when someone hands you a flyer.  You take it because you think you’re supposed to, and you hold onto it long enough so that you don’t hurt anybody’s feelings before you throw it away.

  • I believe huger motivates ingenuity.  Otherwise, nobody would have ever cracked open a pumpkin and said, “Let’s eat this.” 

  • What do you get after smashing pumpkins? An alternative jam.

  • I figured out why my belly is so big.  I ate too many pumpkin seeds.

  • My husband is so cheap that he’d rather buy a pumpkin and extract the seeds than pay top dollar for them at the health food store.

  • If Carrot Top had smashed pumpkins instead of watermelons, he might have been able to add some music to his act.

  • Have you ever noticed that when people turn pumpkins into jack-o-lanterns they usually make a face?

  • What’s a jack-o-lantern’s motto?  No guts, no glory. 

  • Why doesn’t a jack-o-lantern have any feelings?  Because it’s hollow inside.

  • We could learn something from jack-o-lanterns because they really know how to let their lights shine.

  • You can tell a pumpkin anything, and it will gourd your secret.

  • Why should you never fill a pumpkin with liquor?  So it won’t get smashed.

  • I wish I was a pumpkin.  Then my roundness would be normal.

  • What did the female jack-o-lantern say to the male jack-o-lantern?  You light up my life.

  • Why are jack-o-lantern’s never stressed? Because they don’t burn the candle at both ends.

  • What happens when you make a mistake while carving a pumpkin?  It gets really jacked up.

  • Why did Cinderella have to walk home after midnight? Her pumpkin carriage caught her off gourd.

  • How do you get people to stop eating pie at Thanksgiving?  Apply the pumpkin patch.