Conversation with a Cat

(comic monologue for a woman, age 30+)

by Melanie White

Beatrice, I wish I were more like you.  You just sit around doing nothing all day but eat, sleep, and sometimes play.  It must be nice when your greatest ambition in life can be satisfied by pouncing on a piece of string.

You never have to worry about anything. (Sigh)  It’d be really nice to have someone who would take care of me for a change.  Then I wouldn’t have to work a job I hate.  Never thought I‘d grow up and work in a factory – do the same thing every day, 40 hours a week.

And what do I do with my two weeks of vacation?  Maybe go home and visit with mom – but then she just badgers me about who I’m seeing and if I’m ever going to get married.  I suspect she thinks I’m gay.  But if I go back to Summersville, I can’t take you with me.  She says she’s allergic, but I just think she hates cats.

Then who am I going to get to come and take care of you?  I’ve heard of dog sitters but never cat sitters.  I don’t really know my neighbors, and I hate to bother anybody from work.  I should get out more and make some friends.  Maybe start going to church.  I hear you can meet men there.

I suppose I could put you in a kennel – but there are all those dogs there, and you hate dogs.  Can’t say as I blame you, considering the run-in you had with that one that almost killed you.

So what am I going to do with a vacation – just sit around here watching T.V. all day?  They say if I don’t take my vacation, I’ll lose it.  I wish I worked for a company that would just pay me for the time.  Then maybe I could pay off some of my credit card debt.  Who knew life would be so expensive?  It’s really criminal what I have to pay for this crummy little one bedroom apartment.  Maybe I should get a second job – waitress or something – make some extra money and get out of the house.

(pause)

I wonder if you ever get lonely.  I could get a companion for you – but should it be a male or a female?  Since you’re fixed, I don’t guess it really matters.  But I just wonder which one you would get along with better.  I think I like guys more personally.  They’re not so judgmental, but that’s probably not something you have to worry about in the cat world.

So what do you want to do tonight?  Have some dinner…watch more t.v., take a hot bath, and then read some stupid romance novel before bed?  Just  what I was thinking.